What the Internet is NOT Talking About from Super Bowl 49

For the first time ever I actually sat down and watched the Super Bowl. I watched every commercial and saw every play (even the last one that caused the Sea Hawks to lose the game, sorry Marshawn). Naturally, the internet blew up Monday morning, talking about most of the stuff including: the depressing child death Nationwide commercial, the domestic violence PSA, Liam Neeson reprising his Taken role for Clash of Clans, mad respect for the #LikeaGirl by Always campaign, and, of course, all of the football field shenanigans. However, listed below are the things the internet failed to point out for Super Bowl 49:

1. Idina’s Silver/Bling Plated Brass Knuckles

First off, Idina gets a slow clap and standing ovation for singing a fantastic National Anthem opening. She wore a stylish black pantsuit and her hair down. The picture of class and elegance.

Oh say can you see, internet reader, that giant bedazzled brass knuckle she has on her left hand? It distracted me to no end especially since she held the microphone with that hand. It was in the shot for almost the entire performance. I expected her to turn around and bedazzle one of the military men’s nose or jaw with it. Here’s a close up:

With all that said though…I kind of want to buy one for the family white elephant exchange next Christmas.

2. Perry forgot what a Tiger looks like:

Sorry Katy, tigers have stripes. The usage of gold and lack of mane indicates a lioness, still powerful but not consistent with your ‘Eye of the tiger’ lyric.

3. Missy Elliot did not put her name down, flip it, and reverse it

Missy Elliot, your songs may be almost 10 years old, but that only makes me fonder of them. When I heard that familiar beat I got goosebumps. Then the camera zoomed in and I noticed that the track playing did not match Missy’s mouth. She lip synced! I expected Katy Perry to lip sync given all the energy it took for the 15 minute half time show, but Missy? I’m disappointed.

4. Lindsay Lohan is a Mom and Walter White is now a Pharmacist for Esurance:

How is being ‘Sorta Mom’ or ‘Sorta Greg’ selling insurance? Alright, I understand that a person’s age, weight, driving record, etc… determines how much he/she pays for insurance and that in turn puts you in categories, but how does that justify Lindsay Lohan driving erratically (which she does in real life too) at an elementary school no less and them reprising Walter White at a pharmacy. I’m so confused Esurance!

5. Nationwide has Mindy freakin’ Kaling on your side!

This is why she’s my hero:

ice cream, public nudity, and Matt Damon. That isn’t a sentence, but I don’t care. I also highly recommend her book “Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me.”

5. BUTTS!

I may be 26 years old and well past any sort of good poop joke, but I can still be that undersexed female pubescent 14 year old at heart (and a total poop joke enthusiast). Where was all that sweet butt grabbing action I have come to expect at the Super Bowl? I didn’t even see a Brady butt tap or Lynch cheek grab. Thanks a lot NBC for stomping on this 26 year old going on 14 year old girl’s heart.

The Cuckoo’s Calling: I am Disappointed JK Rowling

If I can use one word to describe this book, it would be: BORING. I am a huge mystery reader, in fact, that’s pretty much all I read. I am the connoisseur of the mystery/thriller/crime genre. The biggest critique of “The Cuckoo’s Calling” is not the writing (oddly enough). The writing was fantastic; the character development was decent and the mystery could have been compelling. However, when I’m 3/4 through the book and *nothing* has happened except Strike interviews, the writing means little to nothing to me and the story in its entirety suffers.

The arc of a typical novel/story goes something like this:

Exposition: A comprehensive description/explanation

Rowling did a decent job in the beginning and then it just never ended. Strike, a down-and-out private investigator, and Robin, a temping administrative assistant and new to London, get their back stories, although for a mystery it goes a bit too in-depth for my standards. Then we get to the new client, John Bristow. His famous, adopted sister was killed 3 months previously from a fall from her balcony. The police ruled it a suicide, but Bristow is a firm believer that his sister, Lula Landry, was murdered. Sounds enticing right?

Rising Action

Here’s where it’s total snooze-ville. Strike begins interviewing the family, police, witnesses, and friends. This is 1/2 the book. I’m serious, the interviews. By the time I was in Part 4 I wanted to skip to the last chapter. Where is the climax, the ‘Ah-Ha Moment’ that we all wait for in mystery novels? Keep in mind the writing is really good. It’s detailed and incredibly character driven. The writing is so good that you forget what Strike is investigating in the first place because Rowling is so concerned with creating these scenes and characters that, in all honesty, play no big part in the murder or the “Ah-Ha Moment.’ The only useful witness is mysteriously murdered soon after Strike meets her. Ugh, ok Rowling get to the point, who killed Lula Landry (and the witness)?

Climax (SPOILER ALERT)

As I said, the story doesn’t actually come to a head until the middle/end of Part 4 there are 5 Parts in this novel). I remember narrowing it down to John Bristow (the adopted brother) and Tony Landry (the rich, mean uncle). It turns out that Lula Landry had quite the modeling career in her short life and she has a ton of money in a trust,also obvious was that the down and out friend who revealed nothing to Strike was being paid to keep her mouth shut while she blackmailed the real killer and who turned up dead in the Thames. So inevitably I deduced that whoever did this has money to spare, which is how I got to either Uncle Tony or adopted brother Bristow. Also, Strike found the much discussed but missing blue note paper which as it turns out is a will, key to the murder/suicide. Alright it’s finally getting exciting, keep in mind here that I am about 50 pages away from the ending of an approximately 400 paged book.

Falling Action (MORE SPOLIERS)

Like I said, the perpetrator is either Bristow, the man who hired Strike in the first place, or the wealthy Uncle Tony. However, given everything Rowling has given us, it doesn’t make sense that Bristow would kill his sister and then hire Strike months later to find the ‘real’ killer. I begin to think there must have been some hanky-panky between Lula and Uncle Tony, because let’s face it, he’s the only one with a motive (for money).

Bristow arrives to Strike’s office at dusk to discuss the case. Strike begins giving Bristow a blow-by-blow of the murder. Bristow becomes fidgety. All of this makes me think, “Wait, Bristow did it? That doesn’t even make sense.” Strike tells Bristow how he did it, which is news to me. In any good mystery, the author is supposed to leave hints to the reader so he/she can put it together themselves. Rowling gave no clues, rather happenstance situations which leaves the reader to ponder 3-4 possibilities that could have occurred and no clear clue. Throughout the book Strike doesn’t let on to what could have gone on. In fact, Strike appears just as clueless as the reader as to the identity of the murderer (or if there even was one) throughout the entire book (until the very end, that is).

Imagine my shock and awe when Bristow lashes out at Strike in his office and attempts to kill Strike. It turns out Bristow took a large amount of money from the family law practice and required Lula’s money to fill the negative balance before the partners found out. That’s an interesting twist Rowling, EXCEPT I didn’t hear about this until that very bloody meeting between Bristow and Strike. That’s a pretty good motive/clue Rowling; and to leave it until the end is an insult to my time. At this point I’m combing through my thoughts, the story, clues, characters, anything that would have hinted at Bristow as the culprit, and there’s nothing. I even read other people’s opinions on the book and they felt the same way.

Denouement: Resolution

Robin saves Strike just in time and Bristow is arrested. The entire meeting was recorded. Strike gets the notoriety and fame he has so graciously worked for and Robin gets a permanent position at Strike’s PI Firm. It turns out that Uncle Tony knew Bristow did it but in turn would have admitted to sleeping with the partner’s wife. Tony was also aware that Bristow had killed his adopted kid brother all those years ago too. Uncle Tony’s a despicable person and, I think, just as culpable as Bristow.

All in all, 360 pages of mediocre, long-winded writing and storytelling, with 40 pages of excitement. Seriously Rowling? I now have to read “The Silkworm,” the second installment in the Strike series for a book club meeting. I am not looking forward to it, based on the ferris wheel of a rideof “The Cuckoo’s Calling”.

Cookies and Hot Chocolate on a Rainy Day is Part of the Human Condition: Temperance (Tenet 1) and How I Succeeded…in Failure

For Benjamin Franklin’s first tenet (temperance) I said I would [attempt to] do the following:

• Temperance: Since I’m not a drinker (and B.Frank totally was), this one was tough. Until I noticed myself reaching for the charming cookies leftover from the Christmas holidays next to my laptop. Surprise, a woman who loves sweets. Alright World Wide Web, you heard it here first: Only 1-2 sugary items per week, this includes candy, cookies, cakes, muffins, soft drinks, etc…. 

I set myself up for failure here. It’s nearly impossible to do that! This weekend it rained, thus my mom /had/ to bake cookies and then we /had/ to have a steaming cup of hot chocolate afterwards. I’m beginning to think these practices are engrained in our DNA because it feels so natural.

I am going to amend this tenet for the rest of the month: Only 3-4 sugary items per week.  The struggle is real!!! I also can’t wait for menzies to rear its evil head.

To offset this minor failure, I started taking Cardio Barre classes. I didn’t know [*insert body part here*] could hurt so much after an hour of exercise. I took the class on Saturday morning and before going to bed that night I actually thought, “I should take an Advil before I go to sleep.” Yet I didn’t take an Advil that night because I was really warm and comfy in my bed. I am an idiot. By the next morning my body was screaming bloody murder and turning over in my bed was impossible. The state I was in made it impossible to even walk to the Advil pill bottle sitting 30 feet away from me.

I digress. perhaps this goal was a bit too lofty, however, recognizing your weaknesses and trying is a step in the right direction. My goals I make should be attainable, not impossible. Therefore I am sticking to the 3-4 items per week, since that is what’s realistic.

The next one:

• Silence: I’m skipping this one since it mirrors Sincerity below.

Alright, then it’s:

• Order: Here’s another surprise in terms of a female stereotype, my room is a mess! Clothes strewn about my bed, my closet bursting at the seams, and shoes that I regularly trip on but don’t pick up. Therefore this tenet was fairly easy to arrive at: Clean out my closet, shoe rack, and room in general by getting rid of items I don’t wear or don’t fit. Also hang up my clothes on the daily! No more draping over my foot board or laying them across my desk for weeks at a time. 

*Deep Sigh* It’s the moment I have /not/ been waiting for: the closet purge. Goodwill will never see it coming. Here are my guidelines for giving up an item:

Have you worn it/them in the past 3 years? (yes/no)

–>If not, would you wear it within the next 6 months? (and I plan on being completely realistic with this answer)

Yes: Keep it

No: Goodwill it

That’s all she wrote folks!

Long Tall Sally

I was 16 years old and at the DMV with my Dad. I was going to take my driving test and was ready to explode from all my nerves. My Dad had a clipboard of papers to fill out while we waited for my test to begin. He would ask me questions like, “Lauren, eye color?” and “How much do you weigh now?” And then he asked me the dreaded question: “Height, Lauren?” He then immediately answered his own question, “Duh, I know that one, 6′.” I opened my eyes wide just as he put the pen to the paper, “NO DAD! I don’t want 6′ on my driver’s license! It’s so embarrassing!” He replied, “Well you are…What do you want me to put?” I hastily replied “5’11”.” He rolled his eyes, but obediently wrote 5’11”.

Everyone, specifically women, have something they wish they could change about themselves: hair, waistline, muscles, breasts, butt, nose, skin, lips, cheek bones, chin, etc… It’s human nature. I wanted to be shorter. Starting at 12 years old I towered above all my peers. From seventh grade until senior year in high school I was teased, ridiculed, and pointed at for my height. Height isn’t something you can hide, remove, or lose, like weight or an unseemly mole. I stuck out like a sore thumb and was the target of many cruel names and jokes across those campuses. I’m aware of just how rampant bullying is, nobody is immune to it. So when I was at the DMV thinking in all my high school wisdom that I’d see 6′ on my driver’s license for the rest of my life, I was ashamed.

When I got to college, I realized rather quickly that my fellow students were much more respectful, though I still hid in baggy clothes, avoided crowds, and sat down whenever possible.

At some point I was writing a paper on addiction and came across the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer, although mostly used for addicts, is relevant for our bodies too. I can never change my height, but I can change my attitude towards it. This may seem like a duh-moment, but something like that never sank in my head before. I began to change the way I thought about my height. I made mental lists of why I liked being tall:

1. People remembered me. I am known as the ‘Tall Blonde Girl’ among my coworkers, peers, and family. In school if someone asked, “You know Lauren right?” and the person replied, “No.” All you’d have to say is, “You know, that tall blonde girl in our Econ 201 class.” “Oh yeah, I know her!” The same thing happened when I went on job interviews. Instant recognition and remembered.

2. I can see over mosh pits and crowds, I can even enjoy a nice parade and my face appears in large group photos

3. I look good in almost any pair of shorts (within reason)

4. I appear graceful even when I’m not

5. I can reach anything in high up, out of reach places

etc…

I really blossomed when I collected these mental lists. I sat, stood, and walked without slouching, wore heels occasionally, wore clothing that fit me, and, best of all, learned that if anything, my height helped me rather than hindered me. All in all my attitude changed drastically and suddenly my height was a source of pride instead of embarrassment.

Ladies, we cannot change most things about our bodies (unless you have access to a plastic surgeon and happen to have a few grand lying around), what is important to remember is that in order to be truly happy and healthy we must love ourselves first, including every oddity and abnormality we possess; what follows is only positive growth and a sense of wholeness. We’re all beautiful in our own special ways, it just takes an attitude and behavior adjustment to realize how special and unique we really are. Looking back at that day at the DMV I laugh. It serves as proof of just how far I’ve come.

 

It’s a New Year, Why Not a New Me?

Unlike many of you, I HATED high school. You name it, I didn’t like it. Looking back on it, I like to think I was simply in my cocoon waiting to grow into a beautiful butterfly. It’s corny, but work with me here. In my junior year I had a fantastic English teacher. The coursework was to go over the -isms throughout English and later American literature and history. Cue my eye roll and head on desk (I was not the most worthy of students, remember, I hated everything about this place). Eventually we got to Existentialism. We studied, of all people, Benjamin Franklin. If somebody asked me who (dead or alive) I wanted to have dinner with, Benjamin Franklin (or B.Frank as I lovingly refer to him) is at the top of my reservations list. That man was one smart, kooky, perverted, intellectual, strange, large, political, and intelligent man. By the way, he died of syphilis, what a playa! Any who B.Frank at one point in writing his autobiography came up with the 13 tenets he would try to live by for a given amount of time:

• Temperance: Eat not dullness; drink not to elevation.

• Silence: Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself, avoid trifling conversation.

• Order: Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have it’s time.

• Resolution: Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.

• Frugality: Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; waste nothing.

• Industry: Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.

• Sincerity: Use no harmful deceit; think innocently and justly; and if you speak, speak accordingly.

• Justice: wrong none by doing injuries or omitting the benefits that are your duty.

• Moderation: Avoid extremes; forebear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.

• Cleanliness: Tolerate no uncleanness in body, clothes or habitation.

• Tranquility: Be not disturbed at trifles, nor at accidents.

• Chastity: Be chaste in matters with the opposite sex.

• Humility: Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

Our high school assignment was to, with a modern day skew, attempt to live by these tenets for 1 month. Surprisingly, I got a lot out of the whole project. I learned more about myself than any self-improvement book or music album could ever teach me.

Given my current state of affairs (all the single ladies, am I right?!?!) I thought I’d do it this month, with the hopes that it carries on throughout the year. Here’s my modern tenets for 2015:

• Temperance: Since I’m not a drinker (and B.Frank totally was), this one was tough. Until I noticed myself reaching for the charming cookies leftover from the Christmas holidays next to my laptop. Surprise, a woman who loves sweets. Alright World Wide Web, you heard it here first: Only 1-2 sugary items per week, this includes candy, cookies, cakes, muffins, soft drinks, etc…. 

• Silence: I’m skipping this one since it mirrors Sincerity below.

• Order: Here’s another surprise in terms of a female stereotype, my room is a mess! Clothes strewn about my bed, my closet bursting at the seams, and shoes that I regularly trip on but don’t pick up. Therefore this tenet was fairly easy to arrive at: Clean out my closet, shoe rack, and room in general by getting rid of items I don’t wear or don’t fit. Also hang up my clothes on the daily! No more draping over my foot board or laying them across my desk for weeks at a time.  

• Resolution: I wanted to start writing again. Yes, I use too many commas, I start sentences with ‘and’ and ‘because’ (don’t judge!) and my passive voice is out of control but writing is a fantastic outlet that I used to be good at…until I stopped. Enter this [amazing] blog, Tall Female in Flats. Yes the internet is super judge-y and completely absurd most of the time, but there is true beauty in being able to show and write your thoughts, feelings, fancies, and handiwork for all the world to see, read, or admire. To recapture this internet/writing romance, I resolve to: keep up with weekly blog entries about anything and everything. right here  
• Frugality: Another tough one, until I caught myself purchasing a Kitchenaid stand mixer from Macy’s at the after Christmas sale. I don’t even bake at my own place because it causes the smoke detector to sound and I have no counter top or cupboard space to even rest it. It was not a useful purchase at this time in my life, that’s for sure. Here it is: when making a purchase ask myself “will this purchase better my immediate future in a productive way?” For example: Milano cookies? No (see first tenet). Sliced turkey and cheese for my lunches at work? Yes. 

• Industry: I recently started an Etsy shop (FlatBottomedGirl, in case you were wondering). I want to keep crafting and posting new items every couple weeks. This will, in the long run, give me a running tally to show me that I am remaining industrious, motivated, and moving forward.

• Sincerity: While the most obvious would be gossiping, I really don’t do that. I do, however, have a tendency to say sarcastic things that may or may not be taken in the lighthearted manner I meant them. Simply, here: be sincere and earnest in all/most matters of conversation.

• Justice: I’ve always been a big proponent of learning from my mistakes, so I will admit my mistakes openly and proudly and learn from them.

• Moderation: I am an intense person. I get so involved in one thing or another that the rest tends to get left behind. Hence, keep all daily activities (crafting, reading, watching television, eating, etc…) in moderation and try to devote equal time to each (this will be especially difficult when Netflix releases new seasons of OITNB and House of Cards).

• Cleanliness: I’m skipping this one since it pretty much lines up with Order.

• Tranquility: Think about the big picture and don’t sweat the small stuff.

• Chastity: B.Frank needed this tenet (remember his cause of death?). Skipping it.

• Humility: I don’t quite have a grasp on what this should be for me. I figure that as this particular project goes forward I can more clearly elucidate this particular one.   

Alright Internet, that’s my plan and I’m sticking to it. The first tenet begins tomorrow and another blog post will follow shortly. Wish me luck, give me input and thoughts, or rant about how much you also hated high school, I’m flexible.

That’s all she wrote, folks!